Writing a review for any of the "Twilight Saga" is moot. It is an exercise in futility because, no matter what I say, it will have absolutely no effect on the legions of tween-age girls who are fascinated by the story.


The first film, "Twilight" raked in $69 million bucks even after I said it sucked - rather... the vampires didn't suck. the second "New Moon" pulled in $142 million during it's opening weekend after I dissed it as well. The third "Eclipse", which I declared "the best one to date, which isn't really saying much..." clocked $300 million domestically and $397 million worldwide. So it really doesn't matter what I say here. I could fill the rest of this review with gobbledygook and it wouldn't matter.


And yet I write the review anyway!

Borrowing from Warner Bros concept with the last book of Harry Potter, Summit Pictures decided to split the last film in two, so they can suck the last penny out of those tweens I mentioned above. The funniest part is the second part will not be released for one full year! OUCH!


In the musical chairs position of director, Bill Condon takes over for the two part grand finale. He brings in serious props considering his previous work with "Dreamgirls" and "Gods and Monsters" (which he won an Oscar for Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published). This is a step up from Catherine Hardwicke ("Twilight"), Chris Weitz ("New Moon"), and David Slade ("Eclipse"); all of whom were good enough to move the ball downfield but apparently not good enough to punch it in for a touchdown.


But the touchdown we are talking here is strictly making sure the film is good enough to make the fan wait one year and pay one more time.


Return as Bella is Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as he love interest Edward Cullen the brooding vegetarian vampire. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) admires Bella from afar since he is a werewolf.

Bella and Edward marry and she becomes pregnant to what will no doubt be another brooding vampire. But this creates problems because her fetus needs blood and the only blood around is hers. So she needs to do something to sate the little un-bugger's appetite. Can she drink blood?


It doesn't matter, because Jacob becomes incensed that Bella is pregnant and points the accusatory finger at Edward (because he is Bella's husband and they were having sex during their brief honeymoon in Rio).


Will Bella die? Will Bella become a vampire for the sake of her fetus? Will tweens line up and pay $12 in 2012 to see what happens? Do I care?


The last question is rhetorical of course (I think), but what can be said is that Condon does a great job of stretching the film out so there must be a part two. Seriously... this could have been knocked out in one part, but the wedding went on for seemingly hours.


"Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One" is a visually attractive but pathetic film produced only to suck the cash out of it's fans. It will succeed in it's mission.   -- GEOFF BURTON